I have been listening to the book, “Extremely loud and Incredibly Close” by Jonathan Safran Foer on audiobook. It is the story of a little boy living in New York City in the aftermath of losing his father in the 9/11 attacks. The little boy, Oskar is quirky and funny and most of the book is told from his point of view. One of the phrases that Oskar uses often to describe his feelings is “heavy boots”. Whenever he is sad or overwhelmed by something he says that his boots are heavy. Here is a quote from the book to better explain this phrase…

“In bed that night I invented a special drain that would be underneath every pillow in New York, and would connect to the reservoir. Whenever people cried themselves to sleep, the tears would all go to the same place, and in the morning the weatherman could report if the water level of the Reservoir of Tears had gone up or down, and you could know if New York is in heavy boots.”

I found it to be a very clever way to help describe how we feel when our spirit feels burdened, or overwhelmed. When we are walking around with so many thoughts and emotions and we don’t know where to put them. It makes us feel as if we are we are indeed wearing heavy boots. I have felt some of those things over the past few weeks. I have attended funerals for both young and old. I have seen the passing of life before it ever came to live. I have shared in the struggle of hurting friends. I have been wearing heavy boots. Sometimes my boots become so heavy that I begin to doubt this God I serve. I begin to question his timing, motives, purpose. I ask and I ask and often times I don’t always get a reply. Why must we struggle? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why? Why? Why?

It occurred to me however, after conversations with people much wiser and more mature in their faith, that I don’t always need to know the answer to trust. In fact faith believes in what cannot be seen. It is living life and pushing forward without ever really knowing what will happen along the way.  I don’t know how I would have gotten out of bed the past few weeks, after witnessing the things that I have witnessed, if I did not already believe that there was a God who is bigger; a God who is able; a God who is good, in spite of all the bad we see in the world. With that realization, came the next. There are so many people in the world who do know that God; who do not have that hope. They are walking around in heavy boots and no answers.

I know that because I believe, I must live my life as if I believe. I must live in such a way that shows that even when bad things happen or don’t make sense; even when I am hurting, there is a reason to sing. That God is still “holding the whole world in his hands.” I can place all of my hope and trust in Him because he is faithful.

So maybe you are in heavy boots tonight. Remember this –

“Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and YOU WILL FIND REST FOR YOUR SOULS. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” – Matthew 11:28-30

Listen to this song… It helped inspire this blog and has reminded me over the past several days that I do indeed have a reason to sing.  Reason to Sing

This morning I am looking out my window from my home in East Tennessee. It seems that the cold weather has decided to settle in early this year. There is frost outside on the grass and leaves that are changing colors. And though I am thankful to be here, thankful for the changing seasons, my mind has been far from this place this morning. Exactly a year ago today I stepped off a plane in Madrid, Spain. A few hours later I stepped off the bus in Salamanca, a place I hoped one day to call home. I took a taxi that dropped me and my luggage off at the blue door that  I had heard so much about. The blue door of the campus house, en Vivo. I was met by one of the missionaries there at the time and then was taken to meet the rest of the team. For the next ten days I experienced as much as I could of Salamanca- spending time with the team, getting to know students and helping be a part of the daily activities at en Vivo. I couldn’t have asked for a better time there. I left feeling that I had a really good idea of what it would look like to do ministry in Salamanca, what it would be like to call Salamanca home.

In thinking about my time in Spain, I decided to look back through my journal and read some of my thoughts during that time. I wanted to share something that I wrote on the way back from Salamanca. I was on the plane, somehwere in the clouds, the journal entry is dated November 9th, 2010, the day I left Spain…

“I really didn’t want to leave. I am so thankful for the time I was able to spend there. For the conversations and the encouragement. I really felt part of the team. That feeling of community is the best part to me about Globalscope and watching as students discover that joy and community. I feel like Salamanca is a good place for me, that Globalscope is the right decision for me. But I am worried (of course) that the fire will die down over the next year, that I will lose the passion. I have so much money to raise and so many things to work out.  I know that I have to trust that God will provide.” 

I am so thankful for the opportunity that a journal provides to look back and be reminded of what we were thinking in a particular moment. It is also an opportunity to see how God has moved and provided. God has been faithful over the past year. It hasn’t always been easy, but God has been there all the way through. I have been able to share the good and bad times with an incredible family and a community of friends that are beyond compare. The best part about it all is that the fire has NOT died down. I still know that I am to be in Salamanca now as I did a year ago. My heart continues to break for Spanish college students as it did then. God is faithful.

Over this past month I have experienced many successes. I have been accepted as a part of my home church’s budget in Nashville, The Donelson Fellowship. I am so excited that they are partnering with me on this endeavor. I have also been blessed with several new individual supporters. For all of you who are giving and will continue to give, THANK YOU! Your support and prayers have sustained me over the past year and will continue to do so as I continue to get closer to moving to Spain. I am happy to report that I have over 50% of my monthly support raised! Praise the Lord!! Please continue to be praying that God will raise up more supporters. Jesse, Sophie and their three children, our team leaders, and the only full-time staff presently on the field In Salamanca, are ready for us to get there! 

I pray that today and throughout the week that you are able to medidate on the things that God has done in your life over the past year. Whether good or bad things have come your way, I know that God is able, and he is faithful. For now I leave you with more of my “inner” thoughts from November 9th, 2010… 

“If he truly has called me to this He WILL provide! I have witnessed this week that he continues to move in people’s hearts. That there are students searching for Him and finding Him. I am excited that I can be a part of that…”

A friend of mine lost her mother (only 53) to cancer last week. Exactly a week ago today I had the privilege of being present at her memorial service. I had never met my friend’s mother. I had followed her blog on which she posted the ups and downs of her courageous battle against cancer but never had the honor of meeting her in person. What was fascinating to me as I sat and listened to those close to her share at her memorial service was the impact that her life, her faith was having on my own even after her passing. How could that be? How could a life that I had never had the privilege of knowing have such an impact on my own after her death? My conclusion is that of legacy. This special lady left behind an extraordinary legacy of life, love and especially faith. You see this lady had trusted and placed her faith unswervingly in the hope of Jesus; the hope that He is the only answer to our yearning souls. A legacy of faith so strong was left, that even her daughter, my friend, was able to say that her faith had never been so strong. I wondered how she could say that when she had witnessed her mother’s suffering and brave fight to the very end. I wondered, ashamed if I would ever be able to have that kind of faith, that kind of hope.

The truth is recently, I have had a hard time having positive thoughts at all. I have been busy and tired and it has been easy for me to find things to complain about. I have let resentment and bitterness take root in my heart. I have let myself be motivated out of fear. I have been slow to forgive and easy to anger. Not a very complimentary list, definitely far from the fruits of the Spirit that we are taught to display. And of course I will always be my worst critic, but at the same time, I have been realizing more and more over the last few weeks my need to change. My need to rise to the occasion, my need to “forget what is behind and strain toward what is ahead…” A lot is changing in my life. A chapter is coming to a close and a new one is beginning. It has been easy to be overwhelmed and fearful of the changes that will come with this new chapter, that although is exciting has many unknowns. And with these stresses and pressures, instead of facing them, I have been running from them. I have looked to other things for comfort. I have tried, on my own, to juggle all the things in my life, and I have been failing. The fact is, that a life that is an example of faith, courage and love, as was my friend’s mom, a life abandoned to whatever God wills, does not come naturally. It takes discipline, practice, a decision at the beginning of each day to trust and have faith. It requires truly believing that God loves us and will not forsake us.

Last week I realized in a much deeper way than I ever have before that life is much too short to not trust that our God is bigger. Bigger than our insecurities, fears, lies, ignorance, inadequacies, sin, doubts, bigger than our hopes and dreams. Life is a gift that we have only received by his grace. Life is short and intended by God to be lived deeply, fully. I have imagined what my life would look like if God swooped in and took out all these things that fill so much of my thoughts and heart. What would he do with all the spaces that the absence of those things would make? I believe that he would fill them with himself because he is EVERYTHING. I think my life may look somewhat like the life of my friend’s mom. A life completely abandoned to the love and will of God; a life without fear. This is the sort of life that God wants to give all of us. I believe these things with my mind but my soul has been slow to fully believe. But no more… the fear stops now. Awake my soul. I have been graciously reminded that life is too brief to keep looking behind. Instead I will look ahead. I will try my best to follow in the examples that have been left for me. The example of love, the example of faith in a God that is mighty to save, the example of Doris.

Psalm 91

 ¹ Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.^[a]
2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”

 ³ Surely he will save you
from the fowler’s snare
and from the deadly pestilence.
⁴ He will cover you with his feathers,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
⁵ You will not fear the terror of night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
⁶ nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
nor the plague that destroys at midday.
⁷ A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
⁸ You will only observe with your eyes
and see the punishment of the wicked.

 ⁹ If you say, “The LORD is my refuge,”
and you make the Most High your dwelling,
¹⁰ no harm will overtake you,
no disaster will come near your tent.
¹¹ For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways;
¹² they will lift you up in their hands,
so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
¹³ You will tread on the lion and the cobra;
you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

 ¹⁴ “Because he^[b] loves me,” says the LORD, “I will rescue him;
I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name.
¹⁵ He will call on me, and I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble,
I will deliver him and honor him.
¹⁶ With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”

Life has been busy as of late, almost too busy. Finally it seems that with the arrival of fall, I might just be able to catch my breath. But although it has been busy, the time has been passed with good people and good times.

The beginning of September started off with celebrating life. First it was the lives of my teammates, Cody and Chris. Due to the fact that they have the same birthday, exactly five years apart and that they were turning 30 and 25 respectively, it seemed appropriate to throw them a big, birthday bash. All in all I would say that it was a major success. The weather was perfect, and I believe that by the pictures you can tell a good time was had by all!

Just three days after their birthday celebration, on September 13,  I celebrated the brand new life of Joseph Alistair Hawkins. He is the firstborn of proud new parents Ian and Katie Hawkins. Katie is one of my best friends. We have been friends since I was 16 (one of the longest friendships I have)! We have been present for every major life event since that time. It was an honor to be able to see her minutes after becoming a mother. Being away from Nashville hasn’t been this hard in a long time. I cannot wait to visit and love on that sweet baby Joseph in just one week, oh and to see Katie too of course!

  After all the celebrating, I had the opportunity to see one of my favorite musical artists, Ray Lamontagne in concert in Atlanta, Ga. with my roommate Kate. He was amazing as I suspected he would be. Also can I just say I love Atlanta! It is true. I even bough a key chain. I love being in the big city with all the hustle and bustle. I love that so many wonderful people that I care for so much live there, including two of my teammates, Chris and Katie Ruth. Since we were in Atlanta we took advantage of our weekend and went to a Georgia Tech football game. We even got lucky and got in for free and had the best seats in the house among the GT students. I realize now as I am writing this that one of my very first blog posts was written after traveling to Atlanta with a group of friends for a GT. game last fall. It is hard to believe that was a year ago. I guess since this was my second Tech game and the fact that I spent $15 on a t-shirt, I am an official fan. To all my GT friends, you win!

 Finally the last weekend of the month was spent at the beach, Amelia Island to be exact. This was the much awaited and long time planned trip with some of my besties. These besties just so happen to be the ladies that I met whenever I spent eight weeks in Tanzania, East Africa the summer of 2006. These blonde, tall Savannah beauties were friends growing up and decided to do an internship together overseas. I was supposed to go to Kenya that same summer but instead had to change my plans and ended up in Tanzania. They graciously accepted me as their fourth musketeer, even though I am short and have dark hair. (see the picture below) They have been some of my closest friends ever since and I had wanted to get away with all of them before I moved to Spain. I am so thankful and so blessed that we were able to pull it off. The weekend was really wonderful and was spent laying on the beach, playing bocce ball, and eating tons and tons of boiled peanuts. I am so glad that these girls and I are friends for life!

 So as you can see, September was quite a busy month. Although it seems like there has been a lot of vacationing and partying I have also been working and continuing with the process of support raising. That is the beauty of twelve hours shifts, I only have to work three of them a week which leaves me with time for all these other lovely things. I am, however, glad that my traveling days are almost over. I will return to Nashville next weekend for a mission conference and then I will be home in the eastern hills for a good month or so. I am looking forward to being in one place. I love fall, especially in East Tennessee. I am looking forward to walks in the cool autumn breeze, cups of coffee, camp fires, the changing of the leaves and time with friends. I hope that you also find the time to slow down and enjoy the changing of the seasons. Take a walk, spend time with a friend,  call your parents, sing with your windows rolled down… Whatever you do, be grateful for the life that you have been given and for the loving God our Father who has given it to us. May we see Him in all the beauty that surrounds us.

and for your viewing pleasure, a recent team picture. man are we good looking or what?!

It is funny how a simple four letter word can evoke such feeling. It has always been my most hated question to answer. Where is home? The answer to that question varies depending on what kind of mood I am in or how interested I feel the other person may be in actually listening to the whole answer.  For whatever the reason I have been thinking a lot about home recently.

My dad and younger sister just returned from Brazil. There was a time when that was my home. A time when that was all I knew, loved and wanted. The last time I was in Brazil was three years ago. It was the first time that it did not feel like home. It was heart breaking but it was the way I felt.  Though it is no longer home it was once my home and for that I will always be connected to that language, those people and places. There are still unexpected times in which memories will hit me out of nowhere and I will miss Brazil and all that it represents, or represented,  so much that it is hard to breathe.  Seeing my sister and dad in pictures last week with the people that once were my whole world brought back those memories and made me ache for Brazil in a way that I haven’t for a very long time.

When we moved to Nashville from Brazil I didn’t ever think it would be possible to feel at home in the U.S.  Living in Nashville for just two years before going off to college didn’t help me form any solid roots. Yes, there are relationships that I have built in the lovely Music City that I trust will continue throughout a lifetime but it is still sometimes so foreign returning there.  Then during this time of year 6 years ago, in the fall of 2005 I moved to Johnson City, TN. I had never spent any long period of time In East Tennessee and for sure had never imagined that it would end up being the longest place I have ever lived. But then again what would have been the fun in knowing that. When I came to live in these green hills I was given the gift of time; time to get an education, make friends, discover who I am.  As I look back over the past 6 years, I can say that these have been some of my most formative years.  These mountains, these people, blue grass music all of it has become home. I have in a way found what I have always wanted, stability.  I have friendships that have lasted beyond a year or two. The opportunity to be known and loved completely and fully by those around me. Home. And now I am preparing to leave it all behind and start all over again. The thought is often times depressing and overwhelming. Sometimes I wonder if I have the energy, love, investment left in me to throw out my roots once again and hope that they find fertile soil. Sometimes I have this immense desire to live here forever. To find out what it is like to live somewhere for so long that you forget when you first arrived.   But then again that is not me. Sometimes I think it is, often times I wish it were me. But it is not.

Just as home can be a place where you are known and loved and feel safe it is also what you carry with you in your heart. That is the gift of home that I have been given. I have been given this gift that I carry around with me at all times.  This gift has enabled me to feel at home in airports, African villages, dorm rooms,  one bedroom  apartments, four bedroom houses with my best friends,  the houses of my childhood with my family, my grandparents home, Johnson City, TN… I suspect that leaving here will be one of the hardest things I have ever done. I also suspect that making Salamanca, Spain home will come easier that I imagine because home is never about the place but the people and the experiences that happen while you are there.

If you know me you know that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I feel with all of me. You don’t ever have to wonder how I feel or how much I feel. I have decided that maybe God made me that way for a reason. Maybe because he knew that I would never be in one place for too long so he wanted to make sure that I got the most out of every relationship, friendship, experience. That I loved with all that I had. So now as I sit all teary-eyed and listening to one of my favorite songs, I know that I am loved, that I am known. That I have a home in…

Liberal, Missouri

Campinas, S.P, Brazil

Nashville, Tennessee

Johnson City, Tennessee

Salamanca, Spain

And that everything about all of those places, the people that live there, the experiences had and to be had, I will carry in my heart for as long as I have breath.  So if home is where the heart is, it is no wonder that my heart has gotten so big.

“Home is the center of my being where I can hear the voice that says,

“You are my Beloved, on you my favor rests.”- Henri Nouwen

On July 22nd I turned 25 years old. I must admit that for one of the first times in my life I wasn’t particularly excited about my birthday. I know that 25 seems young and I know that in reality it is, but at the same time this year was the first birthday that I felt that I was truly getting older. Time is passing and often seems like it is passing quickly. We all grow up with certain expectations of what our lives will look like one day. I have learned that one of the hardest things about becoming an adult is dealing with those unmet expectations. So many of the days leading up to my birthday were filled with contemplation about my life thus far, and where my life is headed. I quickly discovered that I was far too focused, as I looked back on my life, on the things that I thought were missing  instead of focusing on the things I have.  The gifts I have been given. When I changed my focused, I was overwhelmed by the reality of all that I have been given.

On June 11th, I stood beside my sister Kelsey as her maid of honor as she became Mrs. Kelsey Lin. I watched as she said her vows to the man that she loved. I was filled with gratitude for what she had found; a godly man named Chadd that compliments her so well and that loves her and our family immensely.

Over the fourth of July weekend, my roommate Kate and I traveled to Murrells Inlet, S.C to visit our dear friends Daniel and Abby Ott. We spent almost every day at the beach. The ocean is one of my favorite things. Trips to the beach have been a part of my life since I was a little kid. I have been blessed to have had the opportunity to visit beaches all over the world. Over that weekend I was filled with gratitude for wonderful, loving and supportive friends who are a big reason that I want to be a campus minister. I was grateful for amazing fireworks (another one of my favorite things) and lazy days  soaking up the sun.

The third week of July was spent in Indianapolis, IN. where I attended my very first Globalscope retreat! The week is called celebration because it is the only time that all Globlascope missionaries are able to get together and share what God has been doing in each ministry, in every country.  Thus a reason to celebrate! As I heard about the lives of students that are being changed in Mexico, Chile, Spain, Germany, England and Thailand I was filled with gratitude for being a part of such an awesome family. Globalscope is truly an incredible organization and it was such a blessing to be around people who are making a difference in the world one student at a time!

My birthday was spent surrounded by my wonderful family who made the trip from Nashville and my incredible friends. It was hard on that day to not look around and not be able to be filled with any other thing but gratitude.

On July 26th I had the immense blessing of being able to be present for the birth of some of my dear friend’s first child. There are not enough words to express what a joy and huge honor it was to witness Cole Andrew Mosby coming into the world!

So I may be twenty-five (half-way to 50!) and single…

I may have several grey hairs…

And I may have a looming fear that after 25, fat begins to deposit above your knees (this is what I have been told!)…

But there is so much more to life than these things. I am grateful. Grateful for a God who loves me and pursues me. Grateful for a wonderful family who loves me beyond my deserving and who support me always. Grateful for a group of friends that I will have for a lifetime. Grateful for a purpose and a passion. In all this reflection of my life I realized that it is because of all these things that I have that I am going to Spain. I have been given so much and therefore I bear a responsibility to be a good steward of that love, support, friendship. Out of gratitude of all that I have been given I want to give my life  to investing in others and pointing to them to the giver of all good things.

“Gratitude… goes beyond the “mine” and “thine” and claims the truth that all of life is a pure gift. In the past I always thought of gratitude as a spontaneous response to the awareness of gifts received, but now I realize that gratitude can also be lived as a discipline. The discipline of gratitude is the explicit effort to acknowledge that all I am and have is given to me as a gift of love, a gift to be celebrated with joy. “

Henri J. M. Nouwen

Ps. There is a lot to be grateful for, for what God is doing  in Spain. Take the time to check out this year’s video that highlights the year at en Vivo in Salamanca, Spain.  Click on “en vivo” below. Enjoy!

envivo

They say that once the African dust gets on your feet it never comes off.  I have come to realize over the past few years how true that is. I have been to Africa two different times. Tanzania, East Africa in the summer of 2006 and then to the Ivory Coast in West Africa in 2009. Both experiences were very different  and at very different times in my life.  Over the last few days I have been thinking a lot about those experiences. Missing the things that I learned from those experiences.  I even went back to look at some photos from those times. The thoughts about the people, places, and smells of Africa are never that far from my mind. The things that I learned about myself and God; the things I learned about the resilience and strength of people in far worst life situations that you and I could ever imagine, these things for some reason I have not thought a lot about recently. Those are the difficult things that I have wanted to forget mainly because I am passionate person and feel with everything that I am. When I don’t know how to fix something then often times I just try and not think about it. My passion is a good thing but is also at times overwhelming.  AIDS, civil war, sex slavery, orphans, poverty, malaria… these are the things that I used to think a lot about. These were the things that I was passionate about and that fueled me to be the best that I could be so that I could make a lasting difference in the world; to change those awful things I had seen with my own eyes. And I am ashamed to say that over the last couple of years I have allowed the American life to get in the way of those passions and to cloud my thoughts.  This summer will mark being a registered nurse for two years. And most of my time in the last two years has been adjusting to life with a full-time career and my body adjusting to working a wacky schedule. Then there was my decision to move to Spain and be a campus minister to college students there. So much life has happened, so many things have demanded my time and attention, that my motivations and priorities have obviously shifted. In learning to be an adult in this big world it has been easy to forget about those passions that fueled me and motivated me in college.

Then a couple of days ago I was reading the blog of a good friend of mine, Hannah Bader who is currently doing an apprenticeship in Nairobi, Kenya. Her pictures, words and insights made me start to think a lot about my own times in Africa and the things that I learned and witnessed there. I realized that I have become very consumed  with my self, material possessions and in general with things that do not matter all that much. I am not proud of this fact and am going to make  an effort to change those things. An effort to remember to be grateful each and every day for the greatest things such as life to the smallest things that I so easily take for granted like running water and electricity. Because the truth is, even though there are a lot of bad things that happen in our lives, we have it so good here. I have it so good and I know that I am not  grateful enough for that. So this is me making an attempt to remember the lessons of Africa. To shake off my moodiness, complaining, and  distrust and to move ahead with a heart grateful for the experiences that I have had both good and bad. Thankful for the opportunity to move to Spain and invest in the students there and introduce them to the passions that I had while I was in college. Hoping that they too will have the desire to make a difference in this broken world in which we live…

this is my prayer for today and every day…

Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

here is the link to the blog that I had while in W. Africa – http://ambe-myivorianadventure.blogspot.com/

here is the link to Hannah’s blog, check it out it is awesome! – http://hannahbaderphoto.blogspot.com/

Below old pictures from Africa!

A few weeks ago at work I took care of a couple who had learned that their baby had died in utero. They had come to the hospital to induce her labor. They were a young, sweet couple. I know that when they had gone to their doctor’s appointment that morning they did not anticipate that they would end up at the hospital waiting for the delivery of their baby boy that would never get a chance to live. A  baby boy was born later that morning, towards the end of my shift. He was perfect. Little hands and feet, all intact. I placed him in his parent’s arms and thought in my head how surreal moments like these were. Moments in which nothing makes sense and when life seems so bleak and dark.  It is at times unimaginable how we are supposed to keep our heads up and  continue moving forward.

On the following Monday however, there was a delightful change in events. I was allowed by one of the doctors I  work with to deliver the baby of the patient that I been taking care of that evening. This couple was Hispanic and spoke no English. I enjoyed caring for them and practicing my Spanish. It was an honor to be able to deliver their beautiful 9lb. 1 oz., black haired baby girl. I was the first hold that brand new life, an experience I know I will never forget.

Those opposite experience at work  made me realize how quickly circumstances change. How quickly time goes by and life happens. It is in those moments, both happy and sad, that I am reminded that we get one chance to live this life. One chance to use our lives to make a difference. One chance to take risks . One chance to give, love, receive, with all that we have. Life is short, life is precious, life is a gift.

There have been a lot of changes over the past few months of my life. There are still more changes to come. Next week I will watch my little sister walk down the aisle. In September I will watch my oldest and closest friend become a mother. And in January, Lord willing, I will pack my bags and get on a plane to Spain. In anticipating these changes, I have been learning to appreciate the time that we are given at each stage of our life. Appreciation for the good, bad and the ugly. Appreciation for this time of preparation. Appreciation for support raising even when it is hard. In all this appreciating I have become more and more aware of this life that I have been given and wanting with all my heart to make the most of it, not taking anything for granted, not living in fear and anxiety. Obviously, I am not always successful at these things but I still am striving for them as best as I know how. Life is busy, life is hard but it IS a life that we have been given and we are required by God the giver of life, to make the most of what we have been given.

So for this next phase of my life, in this new season that will soon begin, I have chosen to live my life in Spain. I have committed to sharing my life that has been given to me with the students there. Sharing with them that my life would not be possible without the constant love, grace and faithfulness of Jesus.  I hope that I can help them appreciate life as I am learning how to.  A life that is a brief, broken, beautiful mess that God chose to enter into and transform. A life that is worth living to the fullest because of His love.

Below is an excerpt from Thorton Wilder’s play Our Town. Emily is a young woman that dies in childbirth but is given the unique opportunity to return from death and live one day of her life with her family.

Emily: We don’t have time to look at one another. (She breaks down, sobbing.) I didn’t realize. So all that was going on and we never noticed… Do any human  beings ever realize life while they live it- every, every, minute?

Stage Manager: No. (Pause) The saints and poets, maybe- they do some.

May you realize your life and live it- every, every, minute!

For as long as I  can remember my mom has been my hero. She is a ordinary woman like any other woman one may encounter; but she is and has always been extraordinary to me.  By the age of 15 momma had lost both of her parents. She was one of five, the only girl, and after her dad died she and her siblings were sent to live with different family memebers. To say that she didn’t have an easy life growing up would be an understatement. I have had heard the stories of her childhood throughout my life. I heard those stories when she told them but as I became an adult those stories changed me, inspired me and motivated me. So many times I felt weak because I listened to those stories and cried while many times she remained tearless. The first of many examples that she is so much stronger than I have ever been or will ever be.

At age 19 she married my dad, her high school sweetheart. She gained a family that day that she had never had before. At age 22 she had me. Her first child. She talks about how that experience was so terrifying because she didn’t have a mom to teach her the things that a new mom needs to know or learn. And then six years later she along with my dad packed up our family and moved to a foreign country. And now almost twenty years later, on top of working full time and being a full time wife and mom she is working on her doctorate. She is the first and only of her family to ever achieve that extensive of an education.  

But my mom is not my hero because of the things she has accomplished. She is my hero because inspite of all that life has thrown at her, I have obviously left out a lot of details, she is one of the most loving and giving people I know. She more than anyone else would have a reason to be wounded, jaded, angry, depressed or any other myriad of feelings. But she is not. Don’t get me wrong, she is not perfect. She has her moments of frustration and questions. As long as I have been alive however, she has never used those things as an excuse.  She currently works in Elementary school as a family coordinator. She is a leaison between the school and the families; equipping parents with the tools they need to be involved in their child’s education and success. Her masters in counseling is used on a daily basis to serve these kids, most of which are at risk. I am confident that I could walk into that school and not be able to walk five steps without hearing how she has impacted or touched every, single person in that school.

In my life she has been my best friend. Often times with all the moving when I was growing up we were all each other had. She has been there every, single time I have needed her. She has listened, encouraged, coached me through life thus far. As I have grown older I have developed a deeper appreciation and understanding for my mom as a fellow woman. She is so strong. She gives and loves so much without ever asking for anything in return. I know that she would want me to say that God’s grace is responsible for how well she turned out. That only because of her heavenly Father did she learn to receive and give love as she does.

My mom is who I want to be. I feel like her most when I straighten my hair or wear my glasses; when I run or make crafty things. She is the best woman I know. She is the one who believes me in when I don’t believe in myself. She is the one who encourages me and pushes me to be better. She is the one who has taught me to appreciate life and the gifts that we have been given. She is the reason I am who I am today.

My mom has told me for as long as I can remember that when I have children they will all be boys. How she knows this I am not sure but it is what she has always said. But I have always wanted at least one daughter in hopes that I will be blessed to have the same relationship with her that I have with my mom. If the time comes for me, I can only hope that I will be half the mother that my momma is. And if I do have that daughter that I have always dreamed of, I will name her Mary after my mom because one could not pick a better human being for your child to aspire to be like.

Happy Mother’s Day Momma! I love you!

Over a year ago I was asked by a friend to consider becoming a mentor with an organization called  Rise Up! “Rise Up! is dedicated to inspiring, influencing, and impacting kids to one day attain post high school training and education degrees through our mentoring, after school, and relationship education programs.” You can check them out on their website, http://www.boys-to-men.org/. They are a wonderful organization!

So for over a year now I have had the privilege of being the mentor of an 11 year old girl. I’ll be honest when I started being a mentor I felt like I had nothing to offer a girl this age. I hadn’t been around anyone that age since my sisters were that age. To say the least it all took a bit of getting used to. At the beginning there weren’t many deep conversations. We would talk about school or our hobbies. We are very different she and I. Not only am I am over a decade older than she is  but we also come from two different cultures and backgrounds. But over time I realized that with all the differences there were still a lot of things we had in common. She loves music as do I. A lot of times in the car have been spent singing.  The love for ice cream is another thing we have in common and we have shared in that together on many occasions. I have introduced her to some very wonderful things in life such as baking cookies, chick-fil-a, and much more. We have spent many a times together baking, watching movies, playing outside in the sunshine. Over time I noticed that she began to open up more about things. She now asks my opinion on things; tells me more about her life at home and at school. So often I have wondered if my time with her is making any sort of  difference. If she is any better off knowing me and spending time with me on a weekly basis. Most of the time I don’t really have an answer to those questions but I have been trying to learn patience. To know that the best investments we make in life take time, effort, patience and most of the times we aren’t afforded to see what that investment will produce.  I have been thankful for her as she has been very patient with me as I have tried to figure these things out.

Last week however, things changed. After an evening of pizza, Rita’s and fun to celebrate her birthday we were in my car and I was driving her home. She asked me if  she could ask me a question and asked if I would be completely honest with her. I said that of course I would. Mentally, I tried to prepare myself for what was about to come. I felt my hands tighten around the steering wheel, I took a deep breath and asked her to continue. Her question, “do you think that I am ugly and fat?” I looked at her with complete disbelief. Of course I don’t I said. Why would you ever think that I asked. “Because that is what the kids at school tell me ” she responded. Inside I immediately felt my heart break. I wondered how long this had been going on. How long she had listened to the lies and at what point she had started to believe them. The next few minutes I talked to her about how wonderful I thought she was. She is one of the most joyful and loving kids I know.  Inside and out I told her she was beautiful. I told her that although other people’s words are hurtful and that we remember them for a long time we cannot let them define us. I told her to remember that she was “fearfully and wonderfully made”. That she was created uniquely to be just the way she was. As I was talking and trying to encourage her I realized that she hadn’t said a word. She was looking at me and listening intently to everything I was saying. Like a sponge I watched as she absorbed all that I said. In that moment I realized the magnitude of this experience. The importance of all those times in which I didn’t know what to say or do.  The hours together of goofiness and girlie fun looking at purses and shoes. Those moments had all led to this moment. The moment in which she trusted me and was listening to me.  The moment in which I was able to tell her that she is important. That she is a valued, loved, beautiful child of God. By this time we were sitting in front of her family’s apartment. As she gathered her things to get out of the car, she turned to me and said “thank you Amber, I love you!” I looked at her at told her I loved her back. I watched as she got out of the car and walked in her house. I realized with tears in my eyes the importance of this investment.

I don’t know what she will become when she grows up. She says that she wants to be a dancer after college. I don’t know if she will remember my name someday or the things that we did. But I know that she won’t forget my words to her that day. Because as people who are always searching for our significance we remember the good, bad and the ugly. She won’t ever forget that kids used to call her fat and ugly but at the same time I have to trust that she will  also remember my words; that she is loved and that the most important beauty lies within. She has taught me so much about joy and investing in relationships. The great thing about this investment is that it can be made in the life of anyone around you. There are people all around us all the time who are hurting and need the investment of your encouraging words in their life. Investing in people is an investment that will never be in vain. And in the midst of these investments you learn that often times you learn more and are changed more than the person in whom you are investing! I hope you make a love investment in someone today!